Friday, June 11, 2010

Oh No He Didn't

I'm only 21 and have realized for myself that men and women will never understand each other. I have a lot of male friends and appreciate the ease that comes from hanging out with guys. You can wear jeans, drink beer, and eat nachos without hearing the words "I'm fat" coming from all directions. However, even through the ease, protectiveness, and fairly compassionate behavior that comes from being friends with boys, there is also a very dark side. When your male-female relationship is put strictly into the "friend zone," the wall of common courtesy between men and women is non-existent. I have seen and heard things from those boys that no girl should, and all of that testosterone can send a girl running for the nearest mall.

Luckily, or maybe unluckily, my girlfriends and I are often offered freedom from our male amigos and have had other encounters with boys (aka dates) that have left us just as much in the dark and screaming for the nearest mall. So, I just wanted to share some of the things that have happened to us whether they be big or small. And if any guys are out there reading this... don't do these things.
  1. The Foodie. Last semester I was taking a study break and in need of a sugar high. I went out to the vending machine and bought twizzlers and a kit-kat (no, not healthy but not going to kill me either). Anyway, I sat down at my desk and the boy next to me turned and said, "Wow. Bad choice. Do you know how many preservatives are in that?" I wanted to turn and give Richard Simmons a piece of my mind but before I could even get a word in edge wise he said, "ugh just so unhealthy." Well of course now I couldn't eat in front of him without feeling like he was one step away from sending me off to over eaters anonymous. For the rest of the class period I sat dreaming about my kit-kat and how many torture devices I could make for kid X with twizzlers. Anyway, at the end of class he came up to me and asked me out to dinner. I just looked at him, smiled, said "no thanks," popped a twizzler in my mouth, and walked away. Artificial flavoring never tasted so good. --Boys, if you want to go out to dinner with a girl, don't comment on what she is eating. Can you even imagine me out to dinner with the food Nazi? I would have been forcing down bean curd and then making a dash for the nearest pizza place as soon as he turned away.
  2. The Fighter. I understand men have that weird cave man instinct to prove their masculinity by crushing beers on their head and whatnot, but I don't understand the fighting at all. Now there are two different kind of fighters. There are the typical fighters that goof around with their friends during a rivalry over sports and then there are the full blown roid rage fighters who resemble Stretch Armstrong dolls. Well, I have dealt with both kinds but the latter is far worse. I dated one guy who literally had to fight with everything and everyone. He would punch other men, and walls, break doors, trees, windows, etc. It got to the point where we literally would arrive somewhere and within 5 minutes his shirt was off (because men can't fight with their shirts on... right?), and a large circle would be forming around my date and another guy. Needless to say, that relationship ended pretty quickly. Boys, as much as we love the whole masculine thing, unless you are defending our honor or providing physical protection in a dangerous situation, leave the fighting to your video games.
  3. The Drunk. This one also goes out to men whose vocabulary often includes: bro, bra, dude, references to top gun (i.e. Iceman, Maverick), beer pong champions, and frat-tastic. Boys, and unfortunately some men that still believe they are in college feel the need to get excessively drunk. And this kind of drinking is not a sporadic thing but a regular occurrence. It's something we have all seen- the overgrown frat boy sitting at the bar, belting out Journey songs in his wrinkled oxford shirt. Well, my friend Meg* had a very unlucky date with one of these guys named Kevin*. He was always the life of the party so we all thought he'd be a great date. Kevin picked Meg up and took her to a nice restaurant in the city. Meg said Kevin took 5 shots, drank 2 beers, and a sake before the appetizers even arrived. By the time dinner arrived, Kevin was 3 sheets to the wind and still drinking. Kevin started singing along with the songs playing in the background, going over to the other diners tables and asking them to take shots with him, and trying to get Meg to dance when no one else was dancing. The waiter numerously asked Kevin to settle down. Meg was mortified and called my friends and I for reinforcement. However by the time we arrived, Kevin was already passed out in the bathroom. We took Meg and left. Guys-- if you are personable and fun, there is no need to excessively drink. It causes embarrassment for both you and you're date, and it's a sure fire way to make sure the only lip action you're getting that night is from a toilet.
  4. The Mama's Boy. I love my mom as much as the next person and I think that a man being appreciative and respectful of his mother is a good thing. However, it is not good if you are a stage 5 clinger mama's boy. I have experienced this personally, as have many friends. Here are a few things we have seen that men should not do:
  • Calling your mother numerous times on a date. I have a friend whose 23 year old date would call his mom every time they got into the car, to a destination, etc. He would call his mom and tell her what he ordered for dinner, how the movie was, and even once called his mom because a song on the radio reminded him of her....Creepy much? Gentlemen, this is just a very bad idea. You are supposed to be engaging with your date, not with your mother. Your dating life is not ESPN. She does not need a play-by-play. Call her afterward and let her know how the date went.
  • Telling us your mom still does your laundry/cleaning. I have met many boys that do not know how to do their laundry because their mothers still do it. Really? You can be Engineering & Law Majors, but you can't figure out how to separate lights and darks? This is just a complete turn off. It gives women the impression that you are both lazy and sexist, even if you aren't. We don't want to know that dating you means having to take on all of your household chores as well. If you can figure out how to work a play station, you should be able to know how to turn on a vacuum. I have faith guys.
-There are hundreds of other things I could point out but I don't want to completely berate men today. I just wanted to give some funny stories & tips to help out your love lives (even though I am no expert whatsoever). And of course, I know women do plenty of annoying things too. But for today, I am pretending like we have no flaws.